Emotional abuse is one of many forms of abuse that can be experienced in a relationship, also known as psychological or mental abuse, it involves a pattern of behaviour that seeks to control, demean or isolate the victim. It is important to understand that abuse in a relationship is not always physical however that does not make it any less harmful. Victims of emotional abuse may feel particularly isolated as it can be difficult to pinpoint that abuse of any form should not be tolerated.

Abuse in relationships is not always physical in origin and thus it can often be difficult for victims to pinpoint when the abuse began. In many instances the abuse starts discreetly. Perhaps you went on a night out with your friends and now you’ve been subjected to the silent treatment. Your partner has verbalized their dislike for spending time with your family and now all of a sudden you find yourself making excuses not to see them. You have never told lies before but now find yourself making up stories as to where you were and who you were with to avoid conflict or judgment. You feel obligated to bite your tongue where previously you would have argued your point in order to keep the peace and not be subjected to the silent treatment or verbal abuse.

Learning the signs

Recognising emotional abuse and accepting that you may have been a victim is the first step towards healing. Oftentimes the abuser will use subtle actions targeting your emotions. These actions can be as simple as giving you the silent treatment or belittling your emotions.

Examples of such:

• Controlling Behavior – “I don’t want you going out with your friends later, I don’t trust them”, “You can’t wear that outfit out, people will think my partner is a slut”.
• Constant Criticism – Receiving relentless criticism and negative feedback, causing you to question your worth, resulting in lowered self-esteem.
• Withholding Affection or Approval – This occurs when the abuser withholds.
• Gas lighting – This is a form of manipulation where the abuser makes you doubt your own memory or reality. An example of this could be after an argument where the abuser distorts the sequences of events making you feel as though you are at fault for all the issues in a relationship.

Other examples of non-physical abusive behaviours are:

• Mocking
• Belittling
• Scapegoating
• Privacy Invasion
• Humiliating
• Harassing
• Manipulating

The Cycle of Abuse

Victims of abuse often have a difficult time identifying themselves as victims of abuse, and can have difficulty acknowledging the emotional severity and impact of the cycle of abuse they’ve endured.

Emotional abuse often follows a predictable cycle.

Abusive behavior is interspersed with warmth and kindness. In the beginning of the relationship the partner can be very affectionate, expressing their love for you and wanting to spend all of their time with you (this is also known as ‘love-bombing’). There’s the tension-building phase, where small conflicts escalate, leading to the abusive incident, this can be name-calling, accusing you of being unfaithful, arguing that you were flirting with other people causing them to act in this way.

In the aftermath of the conflict, there may be a brief period of remorse or reconciliation, known as the honeymoon phase, the abuser may convince you that they will change their behaviour, they may be apologetic for their actions. This cycle can trap victims in a cycle of hope and despair, making it difficult to leave the abusive relationship.

Victims of abuse are known to make up a disproportionate amount of psychiatric care patients. The cycle of emotional abuse in relationships erodes confidence and self-worth over time which can in turn lead to a higher instance of anxiety, depression and isolation.

People experiencing emotional abuse have a tendency to isolate themselves from supportive friends or family, particularly people who may have previously raised concerns about the intentions of the abuser. If their partner expresses negative views of the friends or family they may have decided to reduce contact or cut contact altogether to avoid conflict or judgment.

Isolation is the objective of the abuser as it prevents us from seeking advice from our peers and getting their perspectives making it easier for inappropriate behaviour to become normalised.

Seeking Help & Support

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse, it’s crucial to seek help and support. The abuser will always attempt to target the victims’ vulnerabilities. Acknowledging that their behaviour has had a negative impact on you is a step towards escaping the situation.

The below strategy is a guideline that will help you create a path forward:

1. Reconnect with friends & family – even if it has been some time, rebuild your support system and confide in them if and when you feel comfortable.

2. Reach out to a therapist – A therapist can teach you to identify abusive behaviours, unpack your emotions and come to terms with the abuse you have suffered.

3. Set boundaries – Now that you have identified the abusive behaviours you can make a choice as to whether you would like to address the issues with your partner or leave the relationship. Communicate to them how you have been feeling and how their behaviour has affected you. Make an informed decision based on their reaction to being confronted by consulting your confidants and therapist.

4. Assert your needs – a loving partner would be willing and able to take constructive criticism.

5. Exit – Now that you have identified the abusive behaviour and asserted your boundaries you no longer need to feel obligated to stay in a situation which is detrimental to your well-being. Put yourself first and seek the advice of a professional to leave the situation you are in.

6. Support Groups: Joining a support group can help you connect with others who have experienced similar situations.

7. Helplines: Many organizations offer 24/7 helplines for emotional abuse victims.

Conclusion

Emotional abuse is a painful reality for many, but it doesn’t have to be endured in silence. Recognising the signs, seeking help, and surrounding yourself with a supportive network are essential steps toward healing and breaking free from the cycle of abuse. Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for a brighter, abuse-free future.

Resources:

Womens Aid Helpline (Ireland) –  1800 341 900

Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK) – 0808 2000 247

Victim Support (NI) – 02890 243133

Cuan Saor (Women & LGBT refuge) (Ireland) – 1800 57 67 57

World Health Organization (WHO)

References:

1. Dye H. L. (2019). Is Emotional Abuse As Harmful as Physical and/or Sexual Abuse?. Journal of child & adolescent trauma, 13(4), 399–407. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-019-00292-y
2. Karakurt, G., & Silver, K. E. (2013). Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: the role of gender and age. Violence and victims, 28(5), 804–821. https://doi.org/10.1891/0886-6708.vv-d-12-00041
3. Litner, J. (2021) Where is the line between marital arguments and verbal abuse? https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-distinguish-between-normal-marital-arguments-and-abuse#verbal-abuse-defined
4. Kaukinen, C. (2004). Status compatibility, physical violence, and emotional abuse in intimate relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(2), 452–471. https://safelives.org.uk/psychological-abuse
5. <Murphy, C. (2014) Warning signs that your male partner is emotionally controlling you. Speak Out Loud. https://speakoutloud.net/helping-victims-survivors/warning-signs-of-abuse/coercive-control-5
6. Ortiz, J. (2021) 6 Strategies to Deal With Emotional Abuse in a Relationship. https://www.marriage.com/advice/domestic-violence-and-abuse/strategies-to-deal-with-emotional-abuse-in-a-relationship/